What once was just love, now feels just the pain

As we grow older, with many unfulfilled dreams and desires, we all start to have an empty corner in our heart. When meet someone who touches our heart and soul, we feel that emptiness being filled up. Having that heart filled up, we start to feel joyful and full of life. We don’t want that emptiness to come back ever again, so we want to tie up that person into a knot of relationship.

When we take vows with that person and start living with them, we realize in our conscious mind that the person belongs to us, no matter what. That ultimate desire to be with them slowly starts to fade away because now we start to see them as a person, not just emotions that once filled our heart. When we become more and more aware of that person, we realize many things that we don’t like about them. When those dislikes become more than what we can handle, we start to have conflicts.

Every relationship goes through a tough time, how we manage that tough period, decides the fate of many relationships. Most relationships become silent because they don’t want the noise to be heard by other people. While the noisy ones, end up being on separate paths. Either way, it takes a great courage to live together or even to be apart.

No relationship is without conflicts. The conflicts are our differences in personalities and our lack of acceptance of those dissimilarities. Unless a relationship is abusive or affecting your physical and mental well being, an attempt should always be made to repair that breaking bond. It doesn’t matter who takes the first step for fixing the relationship, it must be remembered the one that an effort to fix makes you powerful not weak.


The biggest problem a relationship faces is improper communication. When we are upset with people, we either express our emotions aggressively or just become absolute quiet.  Either way, we do not do anything suitable to help our relationship.

Everyone reacts differently to conflicts. Some people get over and move forward quickly while others are thrown back in the old memories of previous conflicts, making it even worse. With time we learn about the outcome of a conflict and can predict what the conflict might end up in. If someone needs time, give them just enough time to get over it. If conflict is left unresolved, silence can become a habit and resolution becomes even more difficult.


Any relationship demands patience because we are dealing with a person entirely different from us and full of emotions that can vary with different situations. When people behave in certain way, we might not like their way. Repeated action then can trigger us to the point of conflict.

When we cannot change a person’s way or habit, we can only change how we perceive it at our end. Once you learn to accept that person’s basic personality, relationship becomes much easier and those situations much easier to handle.


Often when relationship is going through a tough time, we want to hide in our shell so no one can see us. The more we hide, the more we feel our own emotions. If both the people are full of emotions, it even gets harder to break that shell.

When you are damaged, you might not feel like meeting anyone but socialization can help. It takes your mind away from your emotions. When we go out in the world, we realize there is a world beyond our pain. When we see other people, when we see our life moving, we start to believe again that things can be fixed and we can give a fresh start to our relationship.


Apology is one way of healing a broken heart. When someone truly apologizes, we feel that the love still exists and the other person still has love for us. But apology, many times takes form of ego that can destroy any relationship. Even though people know that they are at fault, their ego doesn’t let them take a step forward.

The person, who is waiting for an apology, after some time, accepts that the other person no longer cares and slowly, even their emotions start to fade away.

Apology is not a matter of being superior or better, its just about emotions of love and care which should be as much expressed as you do your anger and rage.


Being a companion means that you understand them as much as love them. Most of the relationships suffer the loss of companionship. We often forget that as the relationship grows, more than love, we long for companionship. We need someone who can listen to us, someone who can walk with us and someone who can be beside us.

With time, as we grow with life, we understand that unless our partner becomes a companion, we will feel a missing bit in our relationship.

Spend quality time with each other, have new experiences together, try out new things, go to new places and be with each other even in the time of conflict. Having a lasting relationship requires compromises and perseverance from both ends, only then, the two ends can meet.


Dr Bhawna Gautam

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